Our Hamster, the Tyrant

After a year of marriage, I decided to purchase a hamster for my wife. 

Neither of us had ever owned a hamster and we thought that this would be a great way to venture into the realm of being future parents.  They are incredibly low maintenance as well as they tend to do their own thing, regardless of where they just may be; hamsters are easy to emotionally detach from, considering they have no control over their bowel movements.  The world is their toilet, and given the opportunity, they would pop-a-squat on the whole of it.

Within the first few days of owning the hamster, both the Doc-ling and myself were intrigued by her idiosyncrasies.  She loved chewing on her cage, rolling around her bedding like a dog, storing an entire bowl of food into her cheeks in the matter of a day, and chewing on her cage some more. 

We ultimately decided to name her Tasty, just in case she escaped and the cat got to her.  That way we could argue that her fate was laid out from day one.

It was a few months in that we realized Tasty was more self-aware than she was letting on.  She had this uncanny sense of timing where she would start running in her wheel any time Med Student and I were eating something unhealthy.  She would continue running for entire movies, eventually stopping when we would pack up for bed.  We thought this was all coincidental at first, but it happened so often that I started to feel that she was intentionally timing this emotional sabotage.

I figured she was just being passive-aggressive towards us.  Little did I know that there were so many nefarious ideations in that adorable little hammy head.  These suspicions arose whenever I would try to take her out of her cage.  She would become a tiny tornado of cute razor teeth, attacking any foreign thing that dared enter her lair.  The instant I pulled my hand out, she would follow and become docile the moment she was out of her cage, willingly climbing into my hand for what I assumed was a nice cuddle session.

Pre-Cage Extrication:

Post-Cage Extrication:

She would then wander about, scaling negative angle summits on the couch, defecating wherever she pleased.  Explore here, wander there, she seemed to always have an agenda with her travels.  When finished, she never had a problem or challenge returning to her cage.  It was as if she were inspecting the outside world, taking mental notes of the room and what was in it.  I could see the tiny little cogs working constantly inside her head.  Even when she ate, she looked like she was scheming, her eyes boring holes straight into my brain, seeming to delve for answers that she needed for some deep and dark purpose.

Then it dawned on me.  What if Tasty was a tyrant, plotting to take over the world at any given chance?  Like Brain without his foil, Pinky, she had the makings to accomplish this.  The only things keeping her plans from coming to fruition are her cage and her caretakers-- Wife and myself.  Yet, I feel that even the Baby Doctor has been swayed by Tasty's undeniable cuteness and superb wordless rhetoric. 

This motivated me into studying her in a hope to possibly stint her attempt at world domination.  I've watched from a distance.  Her plans have slowly become clear to me.  You see, she needs a team, and I feel that I've discovered their roles accordingly:

She's already won over the turtle, Koopa.

The cat, Noel.

And my wife.

All that stands between her and the world are the dog, Chie...

And myself.

If she were to get her wish and sway us, I could only imagine the horrors that would follow...